No tags yet.
It was a Friday. It was a sullen and melancholy Friday. Ollie was not scheduled to be put down. He was only scheduled for a regular doctor's visit, but I digress. Let me start from the beginning...
I had spent the last few years using diet to prolong my dogs life. I had also used prayer, meditation, and love; some of the universe's most powerful forms of energy. When he came down with cancer he was given 6 months to live, but I got him through 3.5 years using plants and love. However, about 3 months before his 10th birthday he came down with a heart disease where his heart was leaking his nutritional fluids into his belly area. This time he was given 3 months to live, and this time I knew the end was near. I think Ollie knew too...
[Excuse me, I have to keep wiping my tears away as I type this because I cannot tell the story without sobbing so heavily.]
So after Ollie was diagnosed with this deadly heart disease, he would literally start to blow up like a water balloon every 3 days because the fluids were not making it to where they should be, and instead they were pooling inside his little body. I took him to the vet to have this fluid drained several times because I could not stand the thought of life without my SUN.
[More tear wiping]
This photo of Ollie was his last pose for the camera. The other photo was his 10th birthday "cake" with a candle. We even sang him happy birthday. That was in December of 2017, after we had been fighting the heart disease for 3 months.
[More tears are falling; excuse me, I have to go get some tissue]
Since I knew that Ollie was going to leave me soon I had been thinking about what mattered most to me during this time: I wanted to be there while he passed. I was petrified of coming home to a dead dog, or even worse, waking up in the middle of the night with Ollie shaking and dying at 1 am or something like that. I wanted to make sure that we were together, and that he could see me. I'd be damned before I let him go through this alone!
So, having a private passing at the doctors office had been on my mind. We had talked about it, I had already paid for everything, etc. I just never picked a date, Ollie did.
Ollie picked March 31st 2017 to leave this world. And as I mentioned, it was a Friday. I made him an extra special breakfast, let him eat a bit more creamy peanut butter, and we spent the day together. We walked around our little house and all our common areas. We walked around the Arcadia dog park. We visited a bunch of my tenants at work. Then we went to the Doctor's office.
As we were driving to the Vet's office we went across a bridge and Ollie was looking at the sunset, which was stunning. He looked at the setting sun, and then back at me, and I knew, I just knew that this was the day I had dreaded ever since I brought him home.
Before we went to the vet's office I took him to taco bell and let him eat an entire large side of their rice as a sort of impromptu-last-meal. My mind was still begging me not to do it. "We'll just get him drained this one last time..." But alas, you cannot keep animals alive while they suffer. So I went into the doctors office with my boy one last time.
By this time I had told my family via text, and my brother came to the Vet's office to say goodbye to Ollie. And of course by this time I was holding back all my tears, and trying to maintain.
Below is a video of our time talking with the doctor. In it you'll see me get my last kiss from Ollie. I'm literally losing it inside, but trying to remain calm. You can hear it in my voice as I try to talk to the doctor about letting Ollie go today. The last minute is just me crying my eyes out.
Once it was time to start the passing procedure it was just me, Ollie, and the Doc. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just held him tight, had my face in his face, my eyes staring right back as his, and I just said the phrase "I love you" over and over again. I must have said it at least 100 times.
[More tissue, more tears]
I will say this though, when he went, he went very peacefully. There was no weird jerky movements or unpleasant sounds. There was just a drowsiness that faded into a slumber. I knew how much this was going to hurt, so I recorded as much as I possibly could. I wanted to remember this pain, I needed to share this pain. I couldn't handle it all on my own so I shared it with the world.
Here is a time-lapse video of his passing:
The next thing I recall is the doctor confirming his death. The nurse came in to take his take his paw print and put it into a mold for me. Then they shipped him off and I received his ashes a few days later. And just like that, by best friend in the whole world was gone.
[Am I the only one crying?]
Ollie was gone. I had lost a part of me that I could never replace. It's quite a tremendous amount of pain, but I did remember my other friends going through this same pain x100. I knew one of my best friends who lost his 30 year old bother (RiP Jimmy Crick), and his mother losing a son at that age. I knew that my pain was nothing in comparison to theirs. I thought of a mother I knew who lost her 9 year old son after a major battle with cancer (RiP Ethan), and I knew that these people (and more) had felt pain that must have hurt 1,000x more than what I felt when Ollie left. I always try to keep some perspective.
So that was it. No more vet bills. No more cooking dog food in bulk. No more picking up poop or calling out his name (although I continue to do so, even to this day). I just walked to my dad's house and cried as hard as I've ever cried in my life. I stayed in my room with no light for 5 days, just crying.
Ollie and I were super close. I adopted him when I was with some foolish fellow, but after that guy left we only had each other. We were alone in my lil condo for 4 years together, then I got married and my mister got to love him before he passed.
Let it be known that Ollie Rau was a delight. He lit up rooms, brought smiles and laughs, he kissed your face, and ran a muck! He was an all time high point of my life, and I'll never let him go.
After his passing I lost my job, my house, my grandpa (passed away), and my husband (divorced). When it rains, it pours. But I'm trying my best to envision a positive future. I did take care of some foster dogs for a bit. And I did take care of some stray cats, and things like that to keep me associated with animals without adopting a new one.
I'm just now starting to build a new life, nearly 2 years later. I just want to thank all the lovely people who helped me through this. My friends, my family, my husband as the time, and of course my Ollie-Pup! I love you all and I couldn't have made it this far without you.
Here's a video I made a few months after his passing:
It's not goodbye, my boy, it's simply "see ya later"